Life.

In the thick of it.  Do you ever just have so much scrambling around in your head you have a terrible time trying to pin down one thought, one idea, one solution, one problem.  I’m there. Now.  I have been for a week.  Maybe longer. Who knows.  I should, but I don’t.  This actually happens to me more often than one would expect.  I must have unresolved issues or something.  Do you ever sit so still and quiet in a room that you can feel the earth move beneath you.  Try it.  You can feel the wind pass your face.  Even in a still room you being the most moving, living thing, you still feel like everything moves, and spins around while you’re still. It’s peaceful until I open my eyes and realize I am blogging and that world does not exactly exist.  All the scrambled thoughts come to the forefront once again, and I have a puzzle to solve.

 

As the seasons change so do I.  So do people.  Sometimes, changes are subtle and go unnoticed.  But, other times they make themselves aware.  I don’t mind it, except for when I can’t figure out exactly what I am supposed to be aware of.  Last week was my marriage anniversary.  Five years.  Five years of laughing, and sharing, and kissing, and always having someone to hold me when I am cold, or tired, or stressed.  Five years of arguments, of growing, of stubbornness, pride, and questions.  Maybe that’s what all of this is about.  I have been told by many people that the first ten years of marriage are the most difficult.  While I have had a blast the past 7 years (5 years married), its definitely been far from easy.  In fact, difficult would be an understatement.  Three beautiful children have been created and they rock my world.  Having kids young and early into our relationship was not the easiest of choices we’ve made…but choices I would never regret.  Alex and I are so totally opposite, but at the same time want the same end result: to be happy, love and be loved, to be good people, great parents, and live fully.  But the way we get there is so different from each other it sometimes makes things so damn hard.  Him and I have both acknowledged that not one day of our lives has gone by without at least one little argument, or disagreement of some kind.  Even on our BEST days.  That I have accepted, I’m okay with it.  Most of the time.  It’s when I become restless that I start to think about it.  Rather, when I am already restless, and we have a disagreement.  That is when I begin to contemplate the reasons, the solutions.  But half of the time I never do resolve it, and it just becomes a nasty cycle.  I constantly contradict myself, and relentlessly falter.

 

So where do I go from here?